Why I Don't Wear Just Black
In high school and through college, I made a decision to wear mainly black shirts. I would look into my closet and see the dark clothes hanging there. I don't remember quite how I got there. Perhaps it was through the strains and stresses of school or just being what I thought I should be. I was the dark singer who didn't need or care about anyone. Of course, it wasn't true. I'm a Pisces, after all and through and through. I thought I had to be tough, emotionally and physically. I donned the black clothes like a knight wears armor.
Black was a great color. I'd blend into the crowd or warn them to stay away. Danger! Danger! I'm weird. Don't talk to me. I'll crush your heart in my hands and laugh.
Not really. I was the one crushing my own heart, and I wasn't really laughing. I'd come to believe that I didn't deserve happiness.
My last year of college was the roughest. I was terrified of the real world, and I wore my black shirts proudly. I even dyed my hair black. I had been clothed in my own darkness that went beyond the clothes I wore. I was nearly suicidal at one point. My housemate at the time told me to get help, and I did. I went to a counselor and then a psychiatrist. Frankly, neither one really helped, but I wasn't ready to open up. I was on anti-depressants. They helped. It silenced my thoughts, my creativity, my emotions, everything. I couldn't muster up the energy to care.
Then, I graduated school, moved back home, and went off the meds because I didn't want to go to a new doctor, couldn't afford it because I had no job and shotty health insurance, and I was tired of struggling to think. I love to think. It was making me more depressed not to be able to do that!
Then, things changed. I got a part-time job at a library as a page. It was hard work. I had to work with people. I had to answer phones. Yet, the more social I got, the more I was able to adjust. I adapted. I enjoyed my work and being with books. I found out that most people aren't all that bad. I didn't have to hide any more. I also had great co-workers, who I loved to death. I felt like I belonged for perhaps the first time ever.
Then, I got this full-time job as a library assistant. Although I miss my friends at the former one, I love this job too. Best of all, I can explore my creativity, and it gave me the push (along with my friend Christine) to start that novel.
Overtime as I grew happier and had money, my wardrobe changed. I do have some nice black pants for work, one black dress, and a black shirt with gemstones on it. Otherwise, it's full of color, particularly purple.
If you don't know, I heart purple.
Black is still a nice color. It's very slimming and elegant, but I don't need it to hide myself any more.