Thursday, January 13, 2011

Personal Thursdays: Why I Don't Wear Just Black

Why I Don't Wear Just Black

In high school and through college, I made a decision to wear mainly black shirts. I would look into my closet and see the dark clothes hanging there. I don't remember quite how I got there. Perhaps it was through the strains and stresses of school or just being what I thought I should be. I was the dark singer who didn't need or care about anyone. Of course, it wasn't true. I'm a Pisces, after all and through and through. I thought I had to be tough, emotionally and physically. I donned the black clothes like a knight wears armor. 

Black was a great color. I'd blend into the crowd or warn them to stay away. Danger! Danger! I'm weird. Don't talk to me. I'll crush your heart in my hands and laugh.

Not really. I was the one crushing my own heart, and I wasn't really laughing. I'd come to believe that I didn't deserve happiness.

My last year of college was the roughest. I was terrified of the real world, and I wore my black shirts proudly. I even dyed my hair black. I had been clothed in my own darkness that went beyond the clothes I wore. I was nearly suicidal at one point. My housemate at the time told me to get help, and I did. I went to a counselor and then a psychiatrist. Frankly, neither one really helped, but I wasn't ready to open up. I was on anti-depressants. They helped. It silenced my thoughts, my creativity, my emotions, everything. I couldn't muster up the energy to care.

Then, I graduated school, moved back home, and went off the meds because I didn't want to go to a new doctor, couldn't afford it because I had no job and shotty health insurance, and I was tired of struggling to think. I love to think. It was making me more depressed not to be able to do that!

Then, things changed. I got a part-time job at a library as a page. It was hard work. I had to work with people. I had to answer phones. Yet, the more social I got, the more I was able to adjust. I adapted. I enjoyed my work and being with books. I found out that most people aren't all that bad. I didn't have to hide any more. I also had great co-workers, who I loved to death. I felt like I belonged for perhaps the first time ever.

Then, I got this full-time job as a library assistant. Although I miss my friends at the former one, I love this job too. Best of all, I can explore my creativity, and it gave me the push (along with my friend Christine) to start that novel. 

Overtime as I grew happier and had money, my wardrobe changed. I do have some nice black pants for work, one black dress, and a black shirt with gemstones on it. Otherwise, it's full of color, particularly purple. 

If you don't know, I heart purple.

Black is still a nice color. It's very slimming and elegant, but I don't need it to hide myself any more. 


Christina Lee said...

Good for you! Black will always be there if you need it :D

Aubrie said...

We all go through those dark times, Cherie. It's what will make your writing soar. I'm so glad you worked you way out of it and I love the color purple.

Black for me reminds me of concerts!

Cherie Reich said...

Christina - Hi and welcome to the blog! Oh, we're so close to 50 followers now. :D And, I completely agree that black is a good color to wear, just not all the time. :)

Aubrie - I agree that those dark times helped define me and my writing. Yay for purple. :D And, black does go well for concerts. Our dresses in choir were black, and they were beautiful.

N. R. Williams said...

So sad, but in the end you triumphed and that makes you a hero, if you didn't know.

My villain lives in an all black and gray world. Better to control those beneath him.
N. R. Williams, fantasy author

Cherie Reich said...

Nancy - Thanks. This was actually a harder post to write than I thought it would be, and the revelation just struck me suddenly that it also had to be written down.

And, yes, a black and gray world is perfect for a villain. I'm still enjoying reading your book, by the way, although I haven't had much time lately to just read. I hope to remedy that this weekend. :)

Carolina M. Valdez Schneider said...

Aw, I love this! I'm so glad to see that you are in a better place in your life, that you've allowed some color into it. I hope things continue to just get better and better.

Nicole Zoltack said...

I wish the very best for you, Cherie! We all go through rough patches and hard times. I try to use the emotions that I feel and use them in my writing to make them more real. My optimism, I know, trying to always make the best out of a bad situation.

And I love purple too, although I would have to say red is my favorite color. And I like to wear purple and black together - it's sharp. :)

Jessica said...

I want a tee-shirt with "Danger! Danger! I'm weird." written on it. :D

But I'm glad you got through those dark times and don't feel the need to hide anymore. :)

Cherie Reich said...

Jessica - A shirt with "Danger! Danger! I'm weird" would be pretty cool. There's nothing wrong with being weird, unless you are crazy, psycho weird, but that's a different story. And, I'm glad, too, that I don't feel like I have to hide any more.

Lisa Rusczyk said...

I went to Catholic school for 8 years and I still wear a uniform. Black pants and a baggy shirt, no socks.

Raw post. I like it. I hate not being able to think, too, but sometimes, most of the time, my brain's going a mile a minute.

Glad you've found some happiness.

Cherie Reich said...

Lisa - Thanks! I actually always wanted to go to a private school, but we had no money for such things. *sighs*